I haven’t been inspired to write for quite some time now because I have been struggling with a few things, and feel like I have nothing of value to share.
About 2 weeks ago, I started writing something but couldn’t share as I felt it was all about me and my battles, which makes me feel a bit self-centered. Then a week ago, as I was driving, I realized that this is why God called me to write – to write about my struggles and how He is always with me. About how He comforts me even when I feel alone in my battles.
This is what I wrote 2 weeks ago:
God just roll me up and hold me.
It is generally said that life is like a roller coaster with all the ups and downs. Well, my life feels like a yo-yo, and right now, it is stuck at the bottom, just hanging in this gloomy abyss with nothing in sight.
I can’t see past my situation. I try, but can’t.
I don’t want to talk about it, because it brings me to tears.
I don’t want to talk about it, because it is not just one thing.
There is not one person I can speak to about it because of the generic response, I no doubt, will receive.
So what am I left to do? Speak to God? Right now my relationship with God is at a standstill, and again, I feel like He has forgotten about me. I know He hasn’t but this is how I feel.
A month ago I decided to reflect on the year gone by and I was forced to be honest with myself. Honest about being unhappy, about not being myself, and pushing in areas I should have just left. I had 4 people drop me in less than a week – you know how much good that did my fragile human ego, right? Someone I thought would be loyal to death was one of those people, and in that moment I realised I can’t rely on anyone, ever. That no matter how wonderful or loyal or trustworthy someone might come across, they are as flawed as me, just in a different way.
Why am I unhappy? This is completely on me but I don’t have the answers after asking myself this for a month. It is a type of unhappy I haven’t experienced before and don’t understand it. I have been angry with God, again, and although I do still speak to Him, it has been less. I am at a loss for words, and most times I feel like a broken record. Going into a new year feeling like this is soul-destroying.
It is like I am on the outside looking in. Looking at a world fighting, burning. Not being able to make sense of anything. Not understanding how people are so blinded. Unable to wrap my head around people’s inability to think and question. The lack of compassion, respect, kindness, understanding – it is all beyond my comprehension.
I have never had the desire to fit in. I was born to stand out, and not be a carbon copy, and for the first time in my life, I am experiencing what it really is to not fit in. Being cast aside, judged, and treated like a little kid is hurtful. And this has happened in the year that I chose to not speak my mind like I always have, to be more tactful – what is going to happen when the filter is removed?
I used to think I knew what my purpose was but I am not so sure anymore. Most things are a blur for me. I have been on autopilot for quite a while now, and even that is failing.
Through this struggle I remind myself of 2 things: God’s got this and I need to keep it together for my children. I know that God will be glorified somehow by what I am experiencing because He is the only one that can help me make sense of it all. I just wish He would hurry up now, I am tired.
There are so many things that have been brought to the light for me – God answering my prayer to reveal the truth to me – and a few things are that I have trust issues, a scarcity mindset, and I must be careful of who I speak to.
Now although I was (vaguely) aware of the trust issues and being careful of who I speak to, it seems it was bigger than I realised.
Trust issues: this comes from years of hurt, disappointment, people constantly lying to me. Times when I felt everything was okay just to be told they weren’t. Years, where I chose to continuously, forgive someone for lying to me. After trying to work this out, 2 questions came up: 1.) Do I trust God as I should? 2.) Do I trust myself? I don’t have the answers to these questions yet but I am working on it, with God.
Scarcity mindset: this is a large topic and I am not going into all the details but I realised my scarcity mindset is around relationships, blessings, love, and finances. I believe this comes from my childhood already so breaking this won’t be a quick fix, but, again, God will help me.
The last 2 months have been challenging for me, but through it, all God has blessed me with provision, and His protection. His grace is beyond my understanding.
A verse that has appeared a few times this last week for me is:
but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.
I need to choose to focus on God. I need to choose to have hope in the Lord. I need to choose to persevere, no matter what.
Even when I am a complete mess, God loves me.
Keeping it simply raw & real.
Your sister in Christ.
1 Corinthians 10:31
So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.